Im dealing with a moderate depression today. This is what it is like living with Bipolar 2. You can get depression and often mixed mania. Yesterday I had mixed mania and I had a lot of swearing in my head (thankfully not at other people) coupled with bursts of energy (I went swimming laps) then back to irritability. Today is the down mood that always follows a form of mania. I guess I should have seen this coming but I never do. It's always a surprise to deal with a form of mania or depression. I never seem to see it coming. Always a chemical imbalance.
I shy away from telling people because I worry they will think I'm crazy. If the world really knew what happened in my brain would they still be my friend? Would they think bad thoughts of me? Would they be scared of me? Would they pray and believe God is bigger than this mental illness?
I haven't really told my MOPS group about this but I am going to in October. I'm going to do a devotion and tell everyone about the mental illness I've been diagnosed with for 10 years and probably dealt with as a teenager too just went undiagnosed.
Things are different now where as I have a child to take care of. He brings me hope. He's my miracle. I was hugging him and squeezing him and kissing him before I put him down for a nap. I love him more than myself. I praise God for giving me my miracle son. He helps me not think about my illness as much as focus on him. That's got to be a God thing for sure.
I know God can redeem this illness but with days like yesterday and today I start to feel hopeless. I have asked friends and family to pray because that is all that I know what to do at this point. I pray that God hears all of our cries for help and mercy and he can help me through another hard day where the chemicals in my brain just aren't quite right.
I'm a good mom. I'm a good friend. Im a good wife. I'm a good daughter. It just so happens I have a mental illness. Does this have to make me different? In God's eyes no. This is the thorn in my flesh that is always there beckoning to come out. This is the ugly side of the fall of man. Where sin entered the world and now we deal with pain and suffering. This is my suffering. It comes and goes and I am thankful for that. That not every day is a struggle with my mind. That most of my days are good and pure and I can praise God for that.
But on days like today I'll be honest I want to know where God is and why he is letting this happen again. Haven't I suffered enough in the past 10 years? I guess not. Why is he letting this happen yet again?
If I get stuck in the why I'll drown in sorrow. I'll drown in the sad feelings of hopelessness.
I must persevere and trust that God has a plan. That is all. Prayer and trust that God has a plan.