Truth be told, friends, I struggle with complaining and comparison. These thoughts and talk mostly come out to my husband on a daily basis, whether I'm calling him at work or downloading my day to him as he walks in the door.
Lately, the complaining and comparison has stemmed around my son Brayden who will be turning 2 next month being some kind of a tantrum and hitting monster that day and the comparison comes from my husband getting to be with adults all day and not having to be hit or whined to or screamed at. I further compare if my husband is on a work trip to somewhere I'd love to go like NYC, dining on yummy food, drinking cool drinks, and engaging with other adults.
So, there it is. I fantasize about a different life from time to time. And I know I'm not the only stay at home mom to feel this way. But I may be one of the few who will share it and not be scared what the world will think of me. It's not that I don't adore my son, I do, but someday's we all know everything seems too much.
I've asked for prayer for my heart from my friends to deal with Brayden in the last month and the terrible 2's that have started early, but I think I really need to be asking for prayer with my attitude. I can tell how deflating it is to my husband to listen to me rattle on about how my day was worse than his, how I need a break, how it would be easier if I went back to work, yada yada yada.
I'm sure I could come up with a thousand reasons my life isn't fair. And then, I start to wonder. Where did this all come from? From birth I was born a sinner, this I know for sure. But my parents were quick to compare my twin sister and I to each other. There was constant comparison from my mothers mouth, about my grades, about my sisters grades, if I didn't score as high as her, etc. There was comparison with how my sister and I looked (she was always skinnier than me and I was that big boned girl that couldn't seem to get under 160lbs). There was comparison in our dancing, my sister actually quit dancing at 13 I think because she compared herself to me and didn't think she could cut it anymore.
It's amazing what we parents have the ability to do to our children. I'm thinking of this now and wanting to work on this area in my life. I don't want my son to grow up with a mom who has a sin struggles of complaining and comparing. Though, I know that apart from God I can't cause any change to happen. My selfish, sinful heart will want to compare to no end.
I actually got off social media such as Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook 3 years ago because my comparison had gotten so bad. I was looking at a friends picture of her and I, and I started crying. It was a perfectly acceptable picture but I couldn't handle how skinny she looked and how large I looked from the angle the picture was taken. I knew then and there I had a big problem. So with the prompting of a biblical counselor, I nixed the social media.
Sure, I still sometimes want to look through my husbands accounts. But can I tell you that every time I do I'm left feeling bad about myself? Someone is always having more fun. Someone's clothes look better, someone's food looks better, someone has the house I want to live in, someone's on a trip I'd like to be on, someone's kids aren't monsters, someone has more kids, the list goes on and on. My heart becomes a huge idol factory for everything in those apps and every post. It happens so fast I can't even catch myself until its too late. Here's what the bible says about the sin in a person's heart:
And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.”
So there it is. My messy heart and life. What hope is there for me with this comparison and complaining? The bible will call this comparison covetness.
Will Jesus ever redeem this in my life? The answer is YES there is hope for me with the help of Jesus and the holy spirit. Here are some verses that give me hope...
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.
I know that I can do nothing good apart from Jesus. Will you pray with me that we can stop our complaining and comparison? I believe that God is bigger than these sins in my life.