Not my will, but your will be done God

Another chunk of time has gone by and there has been silence on here from me. Not because much hasn't been going on with our family!

Let's see, where to begin...

Well first, let's start with me. Im trying to withdraw from 2 depression medications. My doctor doesn't think one of them is working at all and the other we are certain is causing insomnia. Great position to be in, right? And of course, I'm one of the lucky few who has a horrible time withdrawing from meds. I have to cut the smallest medications in half and quarters and on other ones pour out the powder and use a knife and spoon to slowly separate smaller and smaller amounts. This isn't the first time I've had to withdraw from medicine but if I'm honest I'm really dreading it. All kinds of things happen when I withdraw most of which I get depressed or I get into mixed states of depression, anger, and anxiety. Really? Doesn't that sound fun? I know I'm being facetious. 

So, now lets move on to my husband. About 2 weeks ago we found out he has a co-infection and lyme disease. We weren't that shocked, but after about a year of crazy symptoms he's had, everything from joint pain to abdominal trouble, it kinda makes sense its some obscure disease. Unfortunately, most doctors weren't willing to do enough testing on him to find out what was really wrong. I was at a loss and wondering if my husband was overreacting but clearly he knew all along something wasn't right. So alas, we begin the journey of healing his body and figuring out what method we should take to do so. 



And then there's our sweet 2 and 1/2 year old boy Brayden. He is making great strides in physical therapy! After being diagnosed with low muscle tone last July he has now finally walked up the stairs by himself once and walked down the stairs 5 times. Amazing! We've been doing physical therapy for 9 months and he's gotten so much stronger. He can even dance now where when we started he just kinda scooted his butt on the floor. Our boy that has the giggle that melts our hearts is really starting to thrive. 

So, that's our family at a cursory look. So where does adoption fit into this? Good question, I don't know! I came to a point with one of my pastors last week where I realized I had to say not my will God, but yours be done. Whether that means we adopt in a year, 5 years from now, or never. Maybe Brayden will be our only child. Maybe we will end up fostering children. I can say I really don't know. And trusting God in this area is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

I desperately want to hold another baby of mine and for our son to grow up with a sibling but it's not my choice. God knows whether this will happen or not. I can wish and dream and pray but in the end it's up to him. This is my tension to manage. I have to lay my desire for this child down daily and sometimes multiple times a day. God not my will, but yours. When I see a pregnant woman, I am reminded of the baby I'm not adopting. Not my will, but yours God. When I go to a baby shower, I must say to myself "Not my will, but your will God." When I visit a friend with a new baby I will have to say, "Not my will, but yours God."

I wonder if saying this will get easier? Me believing this means I believe God's plan for our family is better than mine. Ouch. I lose all control. Ouch. But that's another tension to manage - control. As a follower of Christ we can easily believe we have control over our lives when in fact God is the omniscient and sovereign ruler of our lives. If I truly testify this then yes, I can say not my will but yours God... and believe it. 

But, I'm human. I'll stumble and fall and want to take the reigns back just like I wrote about in a previous blog post. So won't you help me and pray for us? Pray for our health and that God's will would be done. Pray for strength for us during this time. 

Tell me how I can be praying for you! We are in this life together... never meant to be alone but always in fellowship with one another. I pray many blessings upon you as you read this. Not any of our will, but his be done. Amen!