In the wilderness, but God is so near!

White space, ok here we go! No lack of things to share here, instead I’m dealing with the opposite. Books upon books, and at least 5 journals filled with God, life, health etc. Whew! What a season we are in.

As I’m writing I hear the music, “I’m looking for the world to see nobody but Jesus” (song is called Nobody by Casting Crowns) in the background and I guess you could say that is the Holy Spirit daily desire in me.

I’m battling so many unknown illnesses that it could make even the most intelligent person head spin. But here’s the thing - God knows it all. God is the great physician and none of this is new to him.

So here are the facts - haven’t been to the gym since December because of my illnesses, is this sad sometimes? Yes. Am I still alive? Yes.

Food as an idol and a delight has been narrowed down to an autoimmune diet and even smaller than that. There’s been days I have just eaten chicken, asparagus, and olive oil. Am I still alive? Yes. Is God still good? YES!!!

Since the last time I wrote God lead us down a journey for me to get off medicine in September at a christian facility where I was told I had been misdiagnosed for 11 years. Crazy right? That means 11 years of of all sorts of meds in my body that weren’t exactly necessary. But, God is a God of redemption and he is redeeming all of this.

If there’s one thing I want to say is that there is always hope in Christ. I’m the sickest I’ve ever been physically but I’m also the closest to God I’ve ever been and have an intimacy with him that is very special. As Charles Stanley says in his sermons and his Life Principles bible, this life is about obeying God no matter the cost. Everything is his. I am his. My husband and child are his. Everything he’s given us on this earth is a gift from him.

Now, I think we all have a choice when our lives come to a place of so many questions. Do we let fear of all the unknowns take over? Do we cling to God and say “Thy Will be done.” Yes.

During a particularly lonely moment in my journey I encouraged my husband to take him and our 3.5 year old son to community group at church. I then had time to sit back and reflect on what the Lord wanted me to know.

On April 7, God told me to be still with him, to thirst for him. Not to get angry day to day, or hour by hour, or even minute to minute as my health changes throughout the day. He told me he is with me always and has never left me. Also, to keep obeying him and to love others well including my husband and Brayden. Be Jesus to them. (One of the things that’s been ringing in my ears a lot is be Jesus to people.) He wants me to serve his kingdom, always being attentive to the Holy Spirit leading me and how to help others.

As this has been the loneliest season of suffering in my life, he told me to use this a catalyst to love others more and those suffering and those who need Jesus to be the ruler of their lives.

He said, “I will restore you, wait on me. You are my daughter my beloved. I am with you always. Be thankful for those praying for you and who do call you like your sister in law who continues to point me to Christ. Be thankful for my husband loving me so much as he prays and cares for our needs day after day as in my exhaustion I have been unable to just drive to a grocery store and go shopping.” God said that he will use my pain for his glory, just wait and see. He said he’s shaping me each day and to keep loving him and coming after him with a fierceness where HE is always the best choice, only him, feasting on his teachings day and night and my cup will run over.

He said that joy in him is more powerful than anything this world hold,. and that HE IS a God of redemption.

Stand firm in my faith and wait on the Lord as is written in Psalm 27:14.

Wait for the Lord;
    be strong, and let your heart take courage;
    wait for the Lord!

My God is faithful and he is good.

I often compare a lot of what Im going through like standing at the Red Sea just like the Israelites and waiting to see what God will do.

It’s amazing the lies we are fed in this world, we deserve this or that, the “perfect” or “normal” life without pain or suffering or even just the ability to do daily things someone who isn’t sick could do.

I have chosen and have to continually make the choice daily not to look to the right or left as it says in the first chapter of Joshua.

My husband and I are reading Joshua 1:1-9 morning and night about being strong and courageous and not fearful or dismayed as we continue to walk through this wilderness.

The Lord is faithful… though I wouldn’t have chosen this road he is using my weakness/sickness to help others grow in their faith and encourage.

The world is watching, our families are watching, your fellow church members are watching.

How will you respond when things seem impossible, and a way out isn’t clear? When there isn’t a clear diagnosis for your health yet a myriad of “maybe’s.”

I pray we can all cling to Jesus no matter what.

Something I’ve started a while back with my son is saying “Jesus is good, Amen, Hallelujah.” With arms in the air (video below).

We say this not just when mommy has energy or “feels” good but throughout the day to remind us that Jesus is always good, our redeemer. Because feelings aren’t facts, and facts aren’t truth. Truth is God’s truth which never changes. It is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

When things started to go really south in January 2019, my sister in law started mentoring me and telling me that I would need to get to a point where serving and loving the Lord was more important than my healing. In Robert Morgan’s book “The Red Sea Rules” his second rule is “Be more concerned for Gods glory than your relief.”

I will say this, the Holy Spirit is strong but the flesh is weak. So I cling to God and need to be reminded of this daily.

I pray we can all lift our hands up to heaven with open arms and say, “Thy Will Be Done.”