Klonopin you nasty nasty pill you!
Here we go again, I’m thinking to myself or now writing. Since February, I have tried 4 times to decrease Klonopin from .5mg to .25 mg and each time it has not worked out.
Well, my Dr. suggested I decrease about a month ago and I felt Gods leading this past Friday. I tried cold turkey into Saturday morning (that didn’t go so well). Hello agitation, exhaustion, head hurting and feeling brain dead, I can liken it to maybe the worst hangover one could experience though it was from lacking the small amount of prescription drug Klonopin. Now I know medicine can help people, but for me, this is Gods path. He does not want me on anything unnatural at this point in my life.
Oh, but Lord, as I cried out in agony yesterday how do I do this? I was feeling agitated again yesterday like an addict that just wanted her “fix.” All I knew was that I needed to be ON MY KNEES praising God, following the Holy Spirit in me, believing the Lord had ordained this time for me. And you know what? God has provided in amazing mighty ways - with extra help from family this week without me asking! Yesterday especially felt like one of the worst days I experienced (similar to getting off of Geodon last September) but that was at a “facility” and I’m at home with no Dr. coaching me, or nurses to check on me, or to offer something to “take the edge off.”
By Gods grace, he had me rubbing lemon vitality oil on my wrists to just open up my eyes that felt blood shot yesterday. I knew in my head that I had to drive to physical therapy for my chronic pain and degenerative and torn disc issues. So by Gods grace I got there! Did I look terrible with greasy hair and no shower and half open eyes? Sure. But I was in a small office, no judgement zone, and I did what I had planned by going to my physical therapy appointment.
By night time I was not feeling good at all… HELLO exhaustion, agitation, brain fog etc. My husband and I again got ON OUR KNEES, holding our hands together, with palms open to God - knowing he would provide wisdom etc. And he did. I felt God saying last night during the worst day yet, “Stay the course it will get better. Your body will adjust… do not fear. I will be with you, it will get better trust me. The WORST comes before the BEST.” (Emphasis mine) :)
Don’t we serve an amazing God? He can accomplish so much that the world can look at and say how in the world will this happen? This impossible situation… God loves to be the POSSIBLE in IMPOSSIBLE situations. If he has ordained it, and and we lean on his understanding, and are guided by the Holy Spirit living in us - then we are always on the winning side.
My sister in law encouraged me to read 2 Chronicles 20 yesterday morning and I took it with me throughout the day specifically the parts about Jehosophat and God fighting the battle for them. It was Gods battle not his. And just like this decrease in medicine (and eventually completely off) - it is Gods victory already written! As he has numbered my days and every hair on my head, so has he numbered the days/weeks/months I’d be on klonopin and the struggle to get off.
We serve a MIGHTY GOD, an AWESOME GOD, and there is nothing above his pay grade.
My Praises for the Lord - Dear God I am so thankful for you and the abounding love you have for your children. I am so in awe of your leading hour by hour. The darkness if not dark to you but light.
Psalm 139:12 Even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
Even last night as I woke up 6-7 times in a 5 hour period and was drenched in sweat, I know God was with me, coaching me on.
As I took a walk this morning (1 mile for the longest Ive gone in over 8 months) I was raising my arms up and singing to the Lord in the early morning light. This older Third Day song came to mind and its been a great reminder of Gods faithfulness :
These thousand hills roll ever on
Footprints of a mighty God
They bring me to my knees in praise
Amazing love, amazing grace
God - these knees are for praying, praying for your saints, praying for the unsaved, praying for the lost, praying for the weak, praying for the proud, and asking for forgiveness in my own sin and transgressions.
As I close out this post I think about the Grandma in the movie War Room, throwing her hands in the air saying “We serve a mighty God, he is faithful and no one can knock him down, he WILL be victorious.” Amen, sweet sister. Amen.
Thank you Jesus for the amazing love you lavish upon all of us… love that is unmatched by anything this world can provide.
As our family says, Jesus is Good, Amen, Hallelujah!
Gos is so faithful - the above was written July 10 and I am just now able to publish it. I needed to re-read this today after a hard week of disappointments, weariness, and battles. I needed to be reminded how faithful our God is… nothing better than my own testimony last month. Wow, God. Wow.